Later in life than most, I became self-aware (versus just going-through-the-motion in life), and an ever growing need to discover what makes us tick took hold. Why do we think, act and emote so differently? How can one person have moods that are so completely foreign to others?
Every story has a beginning and this one’s no exception. Childhood. But wait a second, a few assurances are in order first. We’ll move through it quickly. You probably won’t find it all that unique and certainly not as grotesque as some, yet not as Leave It To Beaver as others. International readers may find some American TV references here, but they’re minor and hopefully not too confusing.
So from the beginning then. Internal questions started in childhood. This is the place where the psychologist in all of us always wants to embark anyway–why fight it?
With that out of the way then, once upon a time… no, just kidding. Seriously now, here’s how it was. One of my parents would be in a peaceful, happy mood while simultaneously the other was on an absolute rampage soon to affect the other. Dad was like the Jolly Green Giant. Mom like the venegful Goddess of Fire with firey arms of flame reaching down from the sky, hell-bent on setting the entire forest of life ablaze. They both were having the same experience in the same moment, but expressed themselves in substantially different ways. Like they were in two completely different worlds. They were of course. But my child-mind didn’t think in such sophisticated terms. Yet, I soon found that the Jolly Green Giant could easily turn into The Incredible Hulk! Scared of them both, I ran like a frightened bunny rabbit deeper into the woods of my mind, trying to escape.
Anyway, it didn’t take much more of that before it was bitterly obvious that people could act strange at the drop of a hat, all really confusing for a young child. Emotional instability surrounded my early days, but that probably set the stage for my life long quest to put an end to what started in my childhood– pure bewilderment about moods.
As you have undoubtedly guessed, like other children who grew up in a dysfunctional family, I shut down in self-protective ways and didn’t open up again until feeling safe and stable in my own life. For me, that turned out to be after I had 5 years of marriage under my belt and some sort of role in life that was well established–as a parent myself.
Until then I’d been either ducking my mother’s incriminations or doing what most people do–whatever society expected of me. That consumed all the awareness that I could muster. The role models before me to emulate were my mother and aunts–all matriarchs and housewives. And hook, line and sinker I swallowed the lie that people in our family just don’t go to college. People in our family aren’t smart enough, they said. So I resigned myself to that fate having no real evidence to the contrary.
To write that last sentence, caused me to cringe and feel ashamed that I didn’t argue with that line of thinking. To say I was naive and impressionable back then is probably a very heavy understatement.
Yet, my view today is that everything always works out the way it’s supposed to. Had I held a different set of attitudes, maybe the beautiful family that I’m blessed with today would have only been a far away dream instead of a reality.
When deeper awareness became an expanded part of my path, it manifested by repeated visits to the library from which I carried out armfuls of self-help books usually with the words “self-esteem” somewhere in the title. Ah, the day’s before google! How did we ever manage? Anyway, those texts gave me the courage to attempt college which was successfully completed and led to a career in physical therapy.
That field of endeavor opened up further study in psychology and current theories on the mind-body connection. Soon it became clear to me that my mission or spiritual evolution involved learning about mastering emotions and understanding the mind. And like a path unwinding before me, this seeking led to deeper spirituality by way of investigating various levels of consciousness.
A career as a psychic and medium has been part of that evolution–yet, does one ever stop seeking or looking for the answer to the basic question, What makes us tick? What I’d gathered through study and life experience was mind-expanding and totally transforming. It was satisfying for a good number of years. And then I began to plateau in my knowledge and understanding. Every book I read seemed too familiar and every person I met seemed the same as the last one I talked to. Everything in life seemed to be repetitious–nothing new was coming my way. I felt in desperate need of more input–there must be more! I still didn’t fully understand emotions and could not yet call myself a master of them.
Enter Astrology! Now here’s something that fills in some of the missing pieces! Astrology adds another venue, another domain, in which to further investigate that core question that developed so long ago in childhood. Then, how could two parents who experienced the same moment process it so differently? And now, how can I stand next to someone who is in the same moment with me and have a completely different inner-experience than they do? Why and how do our moods, our hearts, our self-image and our way of seeing life so suddenly and abruptly change? What makes that possible–what exactly are the contributors, the factors involved?
Astrology. Astrology explains life, explains the mind, the psyche, the experiences, the moods, the reason for life’s ups and downs–it is the map of the evolution of our consciousness!
(… continued, See Part 2)