Okay, I’ll admit it—faking the small talk enjoyment with strangers I can’t seem to do very well at anymore. “I am what I am and that’s all that I am” as Popeye the sailor man cartoon guy says. In my own defense it was a full Moon opposing my natal Moon and I fretted over the appetizer and what to wear to the affair that by the time I got there I was already wore out and didn’t have much energy to pretend what I didn’t feel–exhausted; can I pretend I’m full of energy. I’m not use to being inauthentic. I gave it all the cover I could; my sister said I did fine, so I’ll go with that. I guess I just don’t care to pretend anymore and didn’t realize it until I was underwater in humans.
It was all very lovely for her (my daughter) and she’s the one who matters in this instance after all; the engagement party was for her. I did my best; something that I always assure myself that I do and I hope isn’t just me being delusional. It’s just hard to keep the center in the midst of people’s energy bouncing off the walls especially when one’ is tired. There’s something about my spiritual path these days that doesn’t allow me be inauthentic and that’s a problem in some situations. Now I see it is even more important than ever to keep rested and to have enough time to devote to a formal sitting meditation—it’s imperative now whereas at the top of the mountain it wasn’t as necessary for me.
These connections with family dramas stimulate the mental amphitheater of my mind that has been quiet – and in observing these thoughts, I see how I can allow pretty self-critical thinking. I also realize that there is some sort of guilt that is beneath it all; and it’s vague and general… nearly like that whole original sin catholic guilt garbage. Yeah, insane neurosis and in between it’s there… calm and peace. It’s there but I need to formally take it to the cushion these days to find it again and re-activate it.
I said to my family that having moved here is causing me to dig deeper into the Buddhist teachings and to work with applying meditation practice on levels that I hadn’t before and my sister laughed, winked and in her funny sarcastic tone replied, “Glad to help!”
Anyway, I think that being very authentic as a human was the par for the course until I hit family turf again and until I became surrounded by traffic and humans galore. And now that insane thoughts or what the Buddhist would call “self-consciousness” and what westerners would call “ego” has…. Well, it is like the sleeping dragon has awakened! And that’s probably truer than not since the South Node of the Moon in Astrology is called Dragon’s tail and the North Node referred to Dragon’s head! And like I’ve pointed out in other posts, in my case my transiting nodes moving closer to merging with my natal nodes—North Node on the South and South Node on the North. “Back to the Future”—and so who knows, we have old thoughts from past lives or even from the past of this lifetime being kicked up.
My daughter is about to get married and I’m doing our life review here and it’s all just insane and neurotic thought which dissipates when I see it and label it and then peace filters back in so I can be my true self again. It was living in that true self for so long up on the mountain that sort of dis-allowed me to pretend too much at the party; it was hard is all I can say. But there we go—yet another insane thought just got blogged. LOL
It’s time for me to take it all to the cushion again. I don’t want to think anymore, I just want to breathe and be who I am…. Something wasn’t at the party but I survived even if I didn’t ‘perform’ all that well and couldn’t pull off having the ‘time of my life’ when I wasn’t. LOL. It was one of those affairs where you stand for hours and talk while everyone else talking around you—quite different from 15 years of solitude in the mountains. And now, to the meditation cushion to tame the unruly mind—on some days lately, it seems like saddling a wild horse! I must love that horse and approach it gently and with compassion.
PS– I enjoyed talking to the little kids and interacting with their family dog the most. I’m not a social moron really, just having trouble pretending anymore. I’m still working it out in meditation time; it’ll be alright