Word from the Heart Sutra which holds my life together.
Here I go again–using this blog to sort out my personal life. Therapy for an “off” day here and there I suppose. Maybe that’s it. Write it out and it is released. Not energized further. No. Released, that’s all–sorted out and seen for the silliness that it is, the illusion that it is. Maybe this post could be called something like ‘The Life of a Psychic’ or some such.
BLOG INTENTION, ASPIRATION: Yeah, but in the spirit of Tonglen, knowing others out there feel this way from time to time or there are those who know this feeling right now just as I do. Hello to you and may this feeling for us all and package it up and see us all being free of it, having compassion for you and for all those who feel a bit disoriented or perhaps are also in the midst of a move… whatever it is you are experiencing may we know that we are not alone… there are always many others who also go through this and may we all be relieved of this suffering or uncomfortable feelings such as they are… and may we all come to contentment and peace and may I be part of that process through my love and compassion for us all as we move through uncertain times. May this blog in some way be helpful to you.
Here it is, this feeling I’m sorting out or trying to heal. And the internal feeling comes from attachment to STUFF, yeah, form appearances–things. Actual material things. I told you this is silliness being sorted out here! I already feel better really looking at this using some logic and intellect to soothe the …. well, the what?
Beyond what words can show, it is. How about a picture to describe it? A bit like the scarecrow from the story ‘The Wizard of OZ’. That scene where parts of him were over here and over there and some he didn’t know where!
No, I’m not falling apart but rather I am realizing this whole Buddhist thing about the non-self and yeah, attachment too. How can part of me be in a storage unit (we took a lot of boxes and things, forms) and loaded them in the vehicles and unloaded them into a storage unit. As I tried to fall asleep last night I kept flashing on the dark rainy rows of storage structures and the number on my own with the lock and my things inside. Yeah, it felt like parts of me were there, haunting my ‘things’ in some way.
Another part of me was hanging around my sister’s apartment, haven spend some hours at her place over the weekend helping her clean and pack. Yet still, another aspect of consciousness was hanging around the new apartment that we’re going to that is getting updated appliances, new carpet, paint and so forth–do I really belong there? Where is my place when I also see flashes of the last few things leaving this apartment unit. I’m all over the place! Like I said, silliness in the life of a psychic.
I’m feeling a wee little bit like crying (its mild), but have no real down-home authentic reason but for the fact that I’m feeling homeless and even without a self, more like a floating spirit neither here, nor there, everywhere and nowhere. And the Buddhist teachings speak of emptiness in view of it holding form and formlessness such that everything is actually non-real as if it were a Moon’s reflection in the water.
I think again of that song of enlightenment, “All these form, appearance emptiness; like a rainbow with a shining glow…”
And one of the other lines is “Just let go, and go where no-mind goes.”
I guess I’m having to do that a bit as I feel pulled in many directions like taffy. Pulled, stretched, thinning out…. and definitely no place to ground. The lessons of impermanence and non-self and forms being emptiness by appearing just the same… these are all being re-enforced within me.
At the same time, it feels like my solar plexus is torn a bit. Here I am looking at an application, another one, for an apartment that I applied for on April 2nd and last week I found out my application was nowhere to be found. I now have to fill out a new one!
Meanwhile, I am trying to visualize how I will fit all my necessary “stuff” into the master bedroom of the apartment that I’m sharing with my sister and her daughter, a teenager! I feel grateful to have a place to go.
GRATITUDE: I CAN DO this, of course I can and am so grateful to have some shelter so that I’m free to go without having to break a lease just as soon as I get a call from one of the many places upon which my name is on the list.
And so the story goes. Maybe I feel a bit better for writing it out? My tummy is still topsey-turvey but I’m telling myself to enjoy the experience such that it is. I’d better get that application filled out (another form—“all these forms”— and anyway get it resubmitted. Forms are only emptiness.
Apathy and indifference! How to “handle that” when there’s a lot to do and you don’t feel like doing it? I drew a tarot card for insight. I have packing to do and my heart’s not exactly in that–except when the guy downstairs play’s his guitar and sings like a dog howling at the Moon. That’s motivation! But back to the card I drew. We all have times like that, don’t we? Stuff to do and we don’t feel like it and know we will never feel like doing that thing–right? Well, the KNIGHT OF WANDS brings guidance. He’s indifferent and apathetic at times on his negative side but he also has great courage and he moves forward, although awkwardly. All he needs is a cause… to create an attitude of service to others and then the apathy disappears.
Fire within—there has to be some type of desire that is stronger than what you don’t want to do. I don’t want to go in the direction that I have chosen to go but I don’t want to maintain the current course either—that feels like being “between the rock and the hard place” as that saying goes. I don’t want to go where I’m going but I don’t want to stay here either and I know that I have to go—must go and really DO want to go! But where I’m going doesn’t seem all that enticing either. But I know I will be helping someone and will be able to save money. And it’s only temporary—that last part is what I need to keep remembering!
So I have to pack and there’s the pickle! I drew a card for my apathy and indifference and lack of motivation about that.
It’s interesting that the herbal tarot connects this card [Knight of Wands] with MONKSHOOD which is actually a very poisonous plant. It’s a metabolic stimulant and in small doses can be a used [Chinese medicine] for low metabolism.
Suddenly I think of using this apathetic indifference about packing as an athletic challenge—use it as a “work out”. Make it exercise, work fast and it becomes nearly aerobic. Yeah, okay—maybe that is something that I could use to change the attitude and motivate self.
What about selfless service? I could think about how I will be helping my sister save money and how we will both be using less energy—conserving mother earth; things like that. Yeah, maybe I could expand that and make it work as an antidote to my apathy and indifference about packing.
I can think about the guitar player neighbor downstairs and his howling with his guitar and how I’ll be rid of that aversion.
I can think about how poisonous this angry kid’s energy is and how getting away from that will be a good thing.
Determination is what is needed when this card comes up in reply to a question. In this case, the question or concern is about my not wanting to do what I know I must—continue packing!
Between a rock and a hard place! That’s how I feel. I can’t stay and I feel resistance to going where I’m going. Where did that phrase come from anyway? Of course we know that it means, “In difficulty, faced with a choice between two unsatisfactory options.” Just like “between the devil and the deep blue sea”.
Well, Knights [in tarot] like adventure and change! Moving from the mountains in the first place was that indeed! And another move will be adventure and change too—moving in with my LEO sister and ARIES niece! If you know astrology then, yeah, beginning to see why the lack of motivation and apathy? But the good news is neither of them plays guitar (same notes over and over and over) while howling like a dog at the Moon. I must think of myself as a monk going into a monastery! devote my time for the benefit of all sentient beings and do my best to create some merit, somehow. Must review the 37 practices of a Bodhisattva! Must be a better Buddhist!
I don’t think Ram Das really said this but there was a recent quote on Facebook that read, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” Oh, enlightenment and initiations and packing and never mind all that because my daughter just texted me about going to the Y for a work out.
Didn’t want to pack anyway! It’s a no brainer; I’m outa here! I’ll pack some more later or another day! I think about Monkshood and motivation and attitude while I swim and maybe come back with a better attitude. Something. For now, I’m outahere!
It seems like ages since simply sitting at the keyboard and typing onto my blog has happened… and it has to do with this thing that we call time or our concept of it. Yeah, it’s bothering me and if you’re a regular reader here, then you know that I work things out here—things that disturb my psyche or ruffle my feathers. I look for ways to handle these dilemmas, these “pickles” of life, and hope that my post will also help another who finds it or goggles a phrase that shows up here. Ever since I’ve moved I’ve been dealing with schedules and family itineraries! It’s like if someone suggests something to do in the future, everyone grabs their appointment calendar to see which day they are free!
I’m simply not used to living this way—at least for the past 15 years anyway. I thought those days were over for me; never did I think that I’d be dancing to the tune of the clock again and certainly not to a school bus or band practice or Friday night football game schedule!
O, Please–don’t get me wrong, I love being with my grandchildren and daughters–even my sister and niece! And we love Friday night football; yet I’m sort of ‘over’ driving two nights a week to and from band practice… but anyway….
It’s just that my life doesn’t seem like my own anymore, but I’m adjusting and my own appointment schedule is being juggled and adjusting too!
We’re managing. And everything is getting done; but inside me there’s lots of resistance to this new life!
I’m working on it though and this blog post is helping me do just THAT today. And I hope it will help you too in some way. Anyway…
I know this feeling of being short of time all of the time is mental and emotional and psychological and it’s an energy thing that I’ve gotten pulled into. I’m trying to pull myself out and having a little bit of difficulty.
It is true that I have to accommodate my family now whereas before (the past 15 years@!) there was none of that. I chose to do so and know that it is their energy and the energy of this general vicinity that needs balancing within me.
You know, people drive so fast around here even in the parking lot of the apartment community and energy of the white rabbit from the Alice in Wonderland story is predominating: “I’m late, I’m late for a very important date, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late, and I’m very, very late…”
Yeah, I feel that within my own mind and body and it gets reinforced at the start of every new day… “Hi Mom, here’s her breakfast, she has to finish this or that homework, I love you, here’s her lunch box, gotta’ go, I’m late…” (My granddaughter stays with me in the morning until her bus comes to take her to school and my daughter rushes off to work.)
Again, I love my family and being near them most of the time. It’s just that I don’t like that hurry-up we’re late feeling and I know it is within me unnecessarily—I carry it too often!
It’s affecting my usual feelings of peace and ease and I miss the pace of the mountains—the general feeling everywhere was “What’s the hurry? And besides, if you wanted me to hurry you should have told me about it 3 weeks ago.”
Aaaahhhhh, sometimes I miss that small mountain town but then other times, like last Thursday night, having sushi and seaweed salad at a local Wasabi Restaurant makes me want to jump up and down celebrating being here in civilization! Oh, there are many things that bring up celebratory feelings about being here—take my grandson for example!
But then, I digress—my issue involves how to deal with this hurry up feeling that predominates too often and restore the more comfortable and compatible “what’s the hurry?” attitude.
Come to think of it, this has always been my problem in all relationships—whether it is with a person or a city/community! I am way too taken in by the ‘other’ vibe and loose myself! Yeah, I could blame it on my Sun/Neptune/Moon natal conjunction or I could use that triple combo to my advantage. What’z it gonna’ be?
Whether you’re like me and are sometimes too sensitive for your own good OR NOT, we’ve got to ask the Oracle for guidance. What can we do? What insight can you give that will help with NOT being pulled into outer energy—how can we maintain our own energy when surrounded by an incompatible vibe 24-7?
I will turn to the I-ching now to select a coin-combo which will bring us some helpful insight on how to change our attitude about time and hurry-up energy and how NOT to lose our self in the midst of so many ‘others’.
Well we have Kua 3 (Difficulty in the Beginning) changing to Kua 60 (Limitations).
Let’s open up this guidance. But before we do that, I just want to say that I am enjoying this Saturday morning! I am undisturbed by duty calling me in any direction and am enjoying the birds visiting my balcony bird feeder. The trees are only a-small-number-of-feet away from my balcony (some ends of the branches are only a few feet) and I like to pretend that I live in the trees WITH the birds and that I AM one myself! I did more of that in the early days of my residency here—and realize now that I need to spend more time with that fantasy when I can fit it in!
Well, to the i-ching… the changing line in the first Kua advises “doing nothing” and “taking a breather”. I really relate to that! Writing in this blog today is about that very thing. Kua 3 is about enduring difficult transitions and this move has been such a thing which I am STILL getting used to! I moved in June and here it is nearing the end of September and the full adjustment has yet to be accomplished!
Here’s an example: we had a garage sale last weekend in which we all sold items that we simply could not use in our new apartments (my daughter and sister also moved here around the same time I did). We agreed to donate what did not sell to Goodwill afterward and did. Several days later, I went there to get a donation receipt that my sister forgot and saw an item from my mountain home. It was a basket which I had on a porch column and I filled it with different flowers as the season’s changed. I did not expect to see it and there it was on a shelf in the Goodwill store and suddenly I grieved the death my old life of peace and solitude. In turning to escape the basket, my eyes landed squarely on ceramic angels that I had along the window sill in the guest bedroom—I called it “The Angel Room”. I nearly ran out of the store with my heart aching and tears streaming down my face. Yeah, I’m not fully adjusted to being here yet—“fer’ shuur!” said the way we used to say it in the 80’s.
So doing nothing and taking a breather this may be a good thing to restore a little bit of balance—that’s the advice (so far) from the i-ching oracle. This sort of stops the whole time thing from being an issue—I can understand that it would be helpful.
I had blocked some time out for myself yesterday and actually felt guilty that I didn’t DO something during that time. Since this small amount of free time is so precious and valuable now, you better DO something special with it… I didn’t and then felt guilty! I never, ever used to feel guilty about doing nothing before–what gives?
The oracle speaks of this situation as “strengthening the ability to roll with the punches” –that is what is going on now. I have to say that bumping into the energy of my old stuff in the Goodwill Store felt like a punch—fer shure.
This is about my ability to deal with difficult transitions—according to the i-ching book for this Kua. Yeah, I think of death when I hear the word “transition” and actually I did say to my daughter on the ‘Goodwill Day” that my reaction is part of me “grieving over my old life”. Kua 3 really does relate to this question I’m asking.
The old was dismantled to make way for the new and now that I’m in the new, the adjustments do create certain doubts and vulnerabilities.
Maybe I need to shore up my certainties and do something to feel less vulnerable. I need to give that some thought. I do believe that I did the right thing to move; yet I do feel vulnerable and intuitively feel some sort of boundary is needed, somehow, to remedy the vulnerability feeling. I just don’t know exactly how to achieve that since I seem to have to be the one to accommodate to everyone else’s schedule!
I find my mind wandering out to future to find a school holiday and to announce to my daughters that I am not available that week—I’ve always wanted to go away to some country that doesn’t celebrate x-Mas during that x-tian holiday anyway! But I digress. Let’s see what else the oracle says.
This is some sort of ‘stage of growth’—this transition, this move, this complete change of lifestyle! Haven’t I grown enough? Wait, don’t let me go into victimization now! This blog post is about how to accomplish a feeling which is one in which I feel as if I have more time—let’s stick with the topic at hand here. (self reprimand– ha ha)
Moving on. The oracle says to stay in touch with the “needs of the moment”. Okay this is helpful. And that’s right! Some of this whole time shortage and “I’m late” vibe is really future oriented. People here run around trying desperately to drive into the future instead of just dealing with the needs of the moment—that’s the “slowing down” that I’ve been doing for the past 15 years which moving here has affected. That’s usually how I am and I’ve allowed the surrounding people, places, things to infiltrate me—and I’ve sort of lost myself as far as this part goes.
I need to bring my mountain mentality to the big city—and live it in the now by affirming continually that I am “in touch with the needs of the moment”—yeah, I like that. I’m going to use that. I should make that a sign and hang it up on the wall to remind myself!
SIGN SHOULD READ: I AM IN TOUCH WITH THE NEEDS OF THE MOMENT—PERIOD!
The Oracle also says that any attempt to make a plan or to make sense of things is premature and will lead to frustration. Be gentle with the self and go slowly.
Let them rush and be late! I don’t have to. Right?
Kua 60 is about “Limitations” and speaks of “testing your own serenity in the chaos exposes the depth of self-disclipline” and also the manner in which we respond to “limitations” is revealing of what has been deeply assimilated.
I have deeply assimilated the mountain energy and the inner peace of living a serene life has been genuinely anchored within me. It is my true nature and true self. I have to remember that it is there and cannot be affected—it is only necessary to stay in touch with myself by staying in touch with the needs of the moment.
Alright, I’ve gone on long enough and I’m good–are you? I feel better and have, via this writing, helped to reinforce what is needed to establish my SELF in the moment again.
I hope this writing has helped another soul who may be able to use and apply any thoughts within these paragraphs.